Let's face it. A sub crawl is for wimps who are frightened of daylight and hide in tunnels. Why go underground when you can go sightseeing in Glasgow's motorbus menagerie (or First Bus as it prefers to be known)? You've only got to look at the two words "bus" and "sub" to see that those who prefer "sub" must be backward.
An all day bus ticket, currently costing just £4.10, will take you from the heart of the city to the leafy suburbs and back again and all the while you will be entertained by jakies, personal stereos that aren't personal and an absolute plethora of neds. Throw in a few screamin' weans and some ugly fat burd discussing her rancid sex life with her pal on her mobile phone and you won't be short of topics of conversation round the table when you get your hands on a libation.
On the way out of the city, you can look out the bus window and spot the pubs you will be visiting later and, on the way back to the city, you can look out the bus window and spot the pubs you visited earlier. You can't do that on the Clockwork Orange!
Some advice. The Thirst Bus will take you through the East End of Glasgow and pass Celtic Park. It may be better not to do a bus crawl on matchdays as most, if not all, pubs along the route will be crowded out by football supporters.
Unfortunately, this experience is no longer available on the red Coakley's 241. This dramatically increases your chances of having a driver who speaks the native tongue.
Our first pub is Sloan's Bar & Restaurant which can be entered via either an alley called Morrison Court (although you will do well to spot a name plate for it) that runs from Argyle Street to Buchanan Street or, during regular shopping hours, just to the east via Argyle Arcade which connects the same two streets.
Glasgow City Chambers
Experts on Glasgow's licensed premises will have noted the irony of the Counting House overlooking the statue of Sir John Moore in George Square when the sister Wetherspoon's pub actually named after him is a wee hike away on Argyle Street. And no, that isn't him on the horse, that's Prince Albert. Sir John's statue is the nearer of the two south facing statues towards the centre of Glasgow's "Red Square".
Did you know the City Chambers have a replica of The Statue Of Liberty? Well, not exactly. The sculptor James Alexander Ewing was commissioned to carve the Glasgow City Chambers' Jubilee Pediment, its apex group of Truth, Riches and Honour, and the statues of The Four Seasons on the building's tower. The figure of Truth is also known as Glasgow's Statue of Liberty, due to its close resemblence to the similarly posed, but very much larger, statue in New York harbour.